depression

Depression

Depression, like the word, “cancer”, sends shudders of fear into the hearts of so many. Once viewed as a problem for the weak and paranoid, we tolerated those who were “depressed”, telling them to just “deal with it”. As ugly as it seems, I was one of those critical, religious bigots who would roll my eyes and determine that anyone struggling with depression simply needed to “get over it”.Then one day, I found myself in the middle of the darkest, loneliest time of my life. I was in that fog called depression. I didn’t understand what had happened to me. I found myself unable to concentrate. I was irritable and impatient, crying for no reason and unable to function.I tried to wear the mask – the one we all put on when we want others to believe we have everything under control. The mask shouts, “Everything is fine, just fine.” I wore it so well I began to believe that it all would eventually just go away.But it didn’t. Further and further into the fog I went, traveling down a road that I had never walked before, feeling frightened and so alone. This blinding fog consumed me, prevented me from seeing the good life I had and sent me into a pit of despair.I couldn’t reach out to anyone. I found myself withdrawing from the things I once enjoyed. No longer did I seek out friends asking them over for tea. I had no desire to laugh or play with my children, no pleasure being the wife of a wonderful man. My life felt empty and broken.Looking at me, life seemed so perfect, I had nothing to complain about, but it seemed I would spend the rest of my life on the brink of tears, fear and despair.Finally I couldn’t take it any more. Crying out to God, I told Him that something had to change. It had to be different. I wanted to come back to the place I knew I had been before. But I knew even that place had to be different. Father heard the desperate cry of my heart. He reached down and began to reveal Himself to me.I remember one especially difficult day, a Sunday – arriving at church, the children dressed and intact – myself properly preened, but empty.A pastor’s wife, seeing me in the hallway said, “Hello there, Kim. How are you?”I responded, “Do you really want to know, or are you just asking?”She stammered and stumbled over her words, finally retreating with, “I – I was just being polite.” “Then”, I stated, “I’m fine, just fine.” But I wasn’t.That afternoon I got a call from someone who would prove to be the flesh and bones of God’s love poured out to me. She risked rejection and reached out – insinuating herself into my life by saying, “I’ve seen the light go out in your eyes. I know something is wrong. I am going to keep reminding you that you are so loved. God loves you. You are precious. You will make it and I will be with you the whole way.” She lived the truth of “by this shall they know you are my disciples, that you love one another as I have loved you” and “bear ye, one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” We are to fulfill the “law of Christ” by loving one another. At times this means loving the unlovely.By allowing me to go through that dark time, God gave me insight for the hurting, hopeless people He has called me to serve. I had spent my life “sharing God” with them, but I realized I was sharing a God for a “perfect people.” I found that He is Father for an “imperfect people.”We often look at someone and say, “How are you?” not really wanting to know or to be inconvenienced by their fear or pain. We just want to hear them say “I’m fine. Thank you so much for asking.” Then we feel good because we “helped” someone else.I finally understood the truth, “Comfort others with the same comfort by which the Holy Spirit has comforted you.” God gave me a deep understanding of how a child of God, with a seemingly perfect life, can be caught up in the whirlpool that is depression and lose all sense of purpose and direction. Through this gentle, loving sister – He revealed to me His Love, His compassion, His Mercy and gave me a reason to fight my way back. He showed me we can never think that we have honored His command to love by simply asking how someone is doing. It takes our time, our energy and stretches our patience. But by loving completely outside our own strength and impulses, we can allow His love to flow through us to the one in such desperate need.It took time, but I began to grasp the reason He rescued me – it was His love; a radical, passionate, overwhelming, intrusive love – greater than all my doubt, my sin, my pain and my need. God’s love rescued me from the fog of depression. At that point I laid down my heart and simply said, “Fill it up.” He did, He does and keeps on filling it – with Himself and His love for me.Freedom from depression is a journey. One not traveled alone, but one that has to be traveled – because if it is not, we will be held captive by the fog of darkness and depression when our Father God has created us to dwell in the Light!

The Fog” reprinted with permission
By Kim Hagans Certified Speaker

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